Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Devil Speaks

Wandering through infernal regions of caustic fire, which to genius is a delight though to rationalists and angels it appears a torment, I saw inscribed on the air in letters of corrosive flame

New Sayings of Hell

Never pick your nose after chopping chillies – proverbial wisdom!

When man invented smilies, God and the devil put aside their differences for they both found them intensely irritating. >8^‡

All the sayings of hell are false.

Drink in the evening, repent in the morning.

Eye never saw the sun unless it became sunlike, said the philosopher. The devil replied, because the eye is a moist sphere, so is the world a moist sphere.

Cyber-luddite – one who disseminates his views using technology of which he disapproves.

I am a cyber-luddite.

Hypocrisy – the art of making friends.

The devil’s work is never done.

Cynicism - the fruit of knowledge.

Eat in the morning, work in the afternoon, sleep at night.

Desire is the work of the devil, guilt the work of religion.

I used to have friends, but really, it was my enemies who kept me going.

Damn braces! Use a belt.

Obstruct the doors! Cause delays! Be dangerous!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Gene for Reductionism Discovered!

Researchers at the University of Bog-End claim that there is an evolutionary advantage to being a reductionist.

“Many evolutionary psychologists have had successful media careers by embracing absurdly simple-minded and untestable versions of reductionism. Clearly having such views confers an adaptive advantage in the competitive world of tv punditry,” said Dr. Spangle Hopfkrauer, the lead author of the new study. “Success on tv confers status, enhances careers and brings in bags of cash,” he added.

“In the past people held the na├»ve view that reductionism had something to do with getting at the truth,” he continued, “but we have discovered that it is literally hardwired into the DNA of successful scientists. In the war to win research grants and get promotions this can be a big advantage.”

Dr. Hopfkrauer went on “This research may also have medical applications. There are millions of people around the world who insist on believing things we don’t. We cannot allow them to go on living in the dark ages of superstition and even raise their own children in a way we do not like. In about ten years we will have a successful treatment for this condition. By inserting the reductionist gene into all children at birth, we will ensure that future generations see the world correctly.”

Thursday, October 01, 2009

A Parable for Our TImes

There was once man, his eyes wild with grief, who approached the Buddha saying "My whole day's work has gone down the toilet thanks to Microsoft. Please make this sodding programme work properly." Buddha replied saying "knock on every door in your village and if you can find one person who has never been screwed by Bill Gates I will fix your computer." The man quickly realised that suffering is intrinsic to Microsoft products and sought release from the endless cycle of trying to fix his Word document formatting only to have something else go wrong.